Evil Soup
by Sleipnier
Summary: Another random adventure involving many random characters! WARNING, involves Kairi bashing we don’t hate her, really! And yes...there is a plot, somewhere. Rated T for the inevitable increase of bad language, I doubt it will get any higher.
1. Chapter 1

This was co written by a great friend of mine, Ishtar-inanna, usually when we have had a few to drink, whoooo! Anyway, she wrote a section then I wrote the next and so on.

Disclaimer:

We don't own any of the characters in this chapter, not a single one! Damn the law system!

I warn any Kairi lovers that this fic may cause 'minor' offence…cough

This fic may also cause your brain to rupture with the effort to understand what the hell were going on about, but don't let that dissuade you :)

Any comments will be appreciated, including anyone who just wants to complain about how mean we are; we will consider your comments for the next chapters. Please read and hopefully enjoy our baileys induced randomness!

As a last note, lots of characters will be dragged into this fic so if you are curious to where they originate from then just ask. All seriousness aside…

Evil soup

Chapter one: evil soup and oranges

Sora's POV

"Trains, trains take me away, far away, la la la randomness"

Riku and Sora turned away in disgust from the vile fumes coming from the kitchen. They were really starting to regret letting Selphie cook for them.

She had been nagging Kairi for 4 hours straight to let her cook yet somehow Riku and Sora had been dragged into the roles of 'assistant' to make sure she didn't blow anything up…again.

"Train train take me away" etc

[_God I hate this song, almost as much as I hate oranges. What the hell did she need oranges for anyway?_

The answer to that question apparently seemed to be because Selphie said so, (or more accurately because some mad bald guy on TV. told her to. Seriously, the voices were bad enough, bad insane, orange obsessed bald men? That's going too far!)

"Uh…Selphie?" Sora asked with a fearful look in his eyes. "Aren't you making soup?"

"YEP!" she said, still humming that ridiculous train song.

"So. Why the oranges?"

"Sora. Don't be silly. Mr. Lock Said so in that cooking program, don't you remember?"

[_WTF!_

"Uh…Sure?"

Actually Sora and Riku had been playing Hungry, Hungry Hippos behind the table so she wouldn't notice, but hey. She wasn't to know that.

Luckily for Sora oranges were not the only ingredients in Selphie's "soup". She also added seaweed, pepper,

onions, jelly, stickie-back plastic, earmuffs, blue string, a live crab to mix it up and a small aubergine. Clearly, this would be a soup that the others would never forget which had been Selphie's intention. But it was also likely that this would be the last soup that they ever tasted, which may or may not have been Selphie's intention. We just don't know.

"Sora?"

"Yeah?"

"Do you think that if we hit her with that bag of crabs we could escape quick enough to avoid the 'soup'?" Riku added finger quote marks on 'soup' for emphasis.

"…Meh, I'll try anything right now"

"OK I'm finished! Time for you to taste my lovely soup!" Selphie emerged from the kitchen wearing a frighteningly large smile, and carrying an even more frightening bowl full of gunk that could hardly be called edible let alone given the title of soup, not even if you squinted….in a dark alley, with absolutely no light and a really bad concussion.

"Now!" yelled Riku giving Sora the signal to throw a bag of angry looking crabs in her face. Nothing happened.

"Er…What happened to the angry looking crabs?"

Selphie rolled her eyes "didn't you notice there was a hole in the bag?"

Sora looked down and sure enough a line of crabs was making its way to the sea.

"Oh, Bye crabs!" Sora waved vacantly hoping that feigning stupidity would get him out of trying the meal. Luckily that theory did not have to be tested because at that moment Kairi walked in.

However, no one seemed to notice Riku's cries. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO. TAKE ME WITH YOU, YOU EVIL CRABS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"So, I see my kitchen is still in one piece" Kairi stated as she looked around the room with a happy grin. That is, until her eyes fell upon the bubbling, blue and orange mess that she was praying wasn't the fantastic meal Selphie had promised.

"Kairi! Just in time! There's plenty of soup, I hope you're hungry!"

Selphie didn't seem to notice that Kairi was trying not to gag…either that or she did notice but chose to ignore it.

The cheerful young brunette was just about to serve up a big bowl full of her creation, when suddenly she stopped and looked at Kairi for what seemed like the first time.

"What are you looking at?" said Kairi, fearful that she should have to face worse atrocities then the terrible soup.

"I've just noticed… you have an absolutely enormous head!"

Whatever any one was expecting, it is clear that this was not it.

Sora and Riku both turned to Kairi and, sure enough, her head was huge.

[_I swear her head was never that big before?!_

A look of realization spread across Riku's face before he screamed. (Much like a little girl) "AAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!! BLOATY HEAD DISEASE!"

At this Sora too screamed "RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES"

The two friends ran screaming from the building (Sora falling as he went) with their hand's above their heads.

"Well, how rude! KAIRI! Now who's going to eat my soup?"

Kairi did not answer, but stared in the direction that her two friends had ran, and after a moment began to follow them, also waving her hands above her head for dramatic effect.

The three of them ran across the island until they were gasping for breath and needed to sit down and drink ice cool hot chocolate.

"Ok so ice cool hot chocolate makes things better, but it still does not change the fact that Kairi has a bloaty head." Riku pointed out.

Sora thought long and hard, you could tell that it hurt. "Well I think that we should go to Hollow Bastion and see if Leon knows the cure."

Every one groaned. (Yes they all heard Sora from around the island and knew from past experience that they would also be dragged along for the ride)

"Why do we want' to cure Kairi? She frightens me…a lot."

"Riku! It's the perfect story! We tell Selphie we can't eat her soup because we are going to help Kairi, then we make a run for it!"

"Hey! Great way to get out of eating Selphie's soup you two, it worked so well!"

Kairi had caught up with them and was now sitting herself down, completely oblivious to the fearful looks she was getting.

[_Look at her! She is so eyeing up my ice cool hot chocolate! How dare she!_

"Um, yeah if you say so." Sora rolled his eyes.

"Look. We meant it Kairi. You have bloaty head disease!" Riku blurted out.

"Oh there's no such thing" said Kairi secretly hoping she could steal some of Sora's ice cool hot chocolate without him realizing it. "So are we going now?" She added once it became clear that this would be impossible as Sora had quickly snatched his cup away from her and continued to watch her suspiciously.

Riku looked taken aback for just a second before a smug look crossed his face. "Go where Kairi? To cure the 'bloaty head' disease that you don't have because it doesn't exist?

"Uh…I think I hear Selphie coming, we better get going!" She said in an attempt to change the subject

Everyone agreed that this was a good idea.

Wait a minute; you're not coming with us! The rafts not big enough for the entire population of this island."

Every one grumbled as they had secretly been hoping to come along too, despite their earlier complaints. Soon these groans would turn to screams and attempted suicides as Selphie began trying to force feed people soup. In all the confusion Riku 'accidentally' pushed Kairi off the small island and miraculously, she floated! Riku and Sora ran to the raft before the other islanders could use it in their own escape and, pushing off from the shore, waved good bye to Selphie.

"Phew, that was too close."

"Hey Riku?"

"Yeah?"

"What's that stuck to the raft?"

* * *

What was stuck to the raft? Is there a cure to bloaty head disease? What happens to Sora and Riku? How many times did we actually say soup in this chapter? Find out in the next chapter of evil soup!!!!! 

And seriously, review or we _will_ force feed you the orange soup!!!!!!

Hope you enjoyed!

XxSxX


	2. Chapter 2

Disclaimer:

We don't own anything…still. But the lawyers are working on it.

Again, more Kairi bashing for this chapter (as if you couldn't guess). And we've also started commenting on Riku's smexiness which shall probably be increased in latter chapters.so for anyone who finds this disturbing... You have been warned!!!

Hope you like this chapter!

Evil Soup

Chapter two: Once you pop, you just can't stop.

Riku leaned on his hands and extended his foot to the mysterious floating object. A small bubble floated to the surface after a little shove with his overly large shoe.

"What the hell is that" Sora started to say, but Riku waved him into silence. The older teen stood there for a second, contemplating the object. Then with an almighty heave he wrenched the object out of the water which turned out to be a shoe, which just so happened to be attached to a very wet and bedraggled Kairi

Seeing the body lying on the raft quickly set Sora into a screaming fit. "OMG! OMG !!!!!! I SEE DEAD PEOPLE!!!!!!!" (A/N sorry, lol, had to be done!)

When the older teen felt it was safe he removed his fingers from his ears and promptly smacked Sora round the back of the head. "You moron. Kairi's not dead, she's just wet and….un-proportioned"

The last statement made Sora shudder. "So un- naturally bloaty"

"Are you guys still going on about that?" said Kairi in a huff. "I could have drowned you know. Not that you'd care", she rounded on Riku, "since you pushed me off the island in the first place".

Riku merely rolled his eyes. "Kairi, I'm to smexy to care" to emphasise the point he made a little hair swishing motion that reflected the sunlight in Kairi's eyes, almost causing her to topple back into the ocean.

"You know, you could have just said it was to save her from Selphie….then she wouldn't be so mad!" Sora pointed out.

"I COULD have. But I hadn't shown the world just how smexy I can be in quite a while"

"So what are we gonna do with her now?

"Take her to Hollow Bastion I guess, like we said we would. Don't worry", Riku smiled at the puzzled expression on the younger boy's face, "We can easily loose her there".

"Hey! I'm standing right here you know!"

Riku turned, looked her up and down then frowned. "Damn. So you are."

Kairi was just about to bitch slap him when he turned, sending another light reflection in her face, causing her to land flat on her ass.

It was three days before they actually reached Hollow Bastion, two days before they actually worked out how to get into the castle as it is surrounded by waterfalls that defy the laws of gravity by flowing up instead of down. "Wow Riku." Kairi said in awe "It sure was smart of you to think of coming here. Not as smart as Leon though. That is why were her isn't it? To get Leon to help us? Everyone knows Leon knows everything and -" Riku cut her off by throwing a Pringle across the small platform of land into a pool of water. Strangely enough, as soon as the tub was opened the Pringles them tune started playing, the sound echoing around them. As both boys watched the red head run after the irresistible snack they couldn't help laugh as she tripped over her ridiculously large feet, falling flat on her face. She soon returned grumpier than ever and with a face full of sand and pebbles.

"Was someone eating Pringles on these premises?" Said an overly cheerful voice from above them. "Gimmi some!"

"Oh high Yuffie, I thought you were still in Traverse Town". Said Sora a little nervously.

"Oh you wish", She scoffed, "now give me a god damn Pringle or I'll put you in the 'ridiculously evil headlock of DOOM!!'" Thunder sounded somewhere in the distance seemingly in emphasis of Yuffie's threat. The loud noise and the manic grin directed at him made the small brunette instantly point at Riku who just looked stunned at his 'best friends' treachery. "He has them!!!!!" Sora then dived behind Kairi, using her large head to his advantage.

Yuffie's face gradually became a mask of furry and anger which made Sora cower even further behind Kairi. With a maddened scream of rage she lunged at Riku, knocking him to the ground and commenced pummelling him in order to make him surrender his Pringles.

"What's going on" drawled the monotonous voice of squall (sorry I mean Leon) from somewhere above them.

Kairi emitted a high pitched scream/squeal and threw herself at the frowning male's feet. "OMG!! Sora, look! Its Leon!" this was followed with another fan girl squeal as she wrapped her arms around his knees. "Leon knows EVERYTHING! And he is SOOOOO dreamy!!!!"

"OH god. Get this…..thing off of me. I refuse to catch bloaty head disease." Kairi's refusal to remove herself from Leon's personal space resulted in him grabbing her arm and flinging her out the way so he could approach Sora, who was absentmindedly braiding his own hair.

"And what might you be doing here little key bearer?"

("AAAGGGHHHH" screamed Riku as Yuffie bit his hand in an attempt to grab the Pringles)

"Well to cut a long and traumatising" (yes, Sora can say traumatising) "story short we officially came here to ask you to cure Kairi's Bloaty head disease".

Leon scowled. "Sorry I refuse to go near that thing, presumably there's another reason why you're here?"

("Get off of me you crazy bitch!")

"Yeah, we were kinda using this as an excuse to escape Selphie's cooking."

Leon's usually bored expression changed to a look that could only be described as pure terror. "Oh God!" he gasped. "Whatever possessed you to let her do that?"

(EAT DIRT! PRETTYBOY!!!!)

Once again Sora thought it safer to pass the blame. He pointed in the direction of a groaning Kairi who was trying her best to stand up. "She did it" In fear of the leather clad moody teen, Sora chose Leon's momentary distraction to slowly shift away, choosing the fight to be more interesting.

"Quick, you should leave! Selphie has ways of finding people!" the last part was said in a slightly hushed tone as if he was afraid she would be near by. "It isn't safe for you here, best to keep moving. Go, and take that with you" he pointed to Kairi and turned to leave himself.

"WAIT! Where are you going?"

"I need to warn the others. No one is safe."

("OH JESUS CHRIST! NOT THER HAIR!!!! MY SMEXY HAIR!!!!!")

"There isn't time! Leon, we have to go with them, she might be here by now!" a woman wearing a large, frilly, bright, yellow dress yelled as she came running towards them.

"Bell! What are you doing here?" Sora questioned

"I was letting Yuffie out for her daily exercise but the evil demon cutlery arrived! Oh god it was horrible!!!! I lost Yuffie and so I went in search. That's when I overheard your conversation! It's worse than I thought!!!!" whilst Bell was running around in panic, Aries - who had arrived unnoticed by the others - grabbed a small tube from the hysterical woman's ….pocket….fold of dress or something. Anyway, Aries grabbed the tube and blew in to one end, a small dart shot out the other end, imbedding itself in Yuffie's leg just as she was grabbing a handful of Riku's hair, ready to slam his face in the ground. The dart took effect instantly as she slumped into a heap on top of a dishevelled looking Riku, happily asleep.

"Where the hell did you come from?" All these people appearing out of nowhere was really confusing Kairi.

"I followed Bell. There should be three of us watching Yuffie but Merlin has man flue. And Leon, don't worry, I will tell the others about Selphie. You go."

15mins later as everyone had packed up what belongings they felt were essential (which in Leon's case included hair dye, 50 combs, a pare of curlers, a hair drier and his favourite tiara) Bell let out a terrifying screech.

"What's the matter" Sora asked her in a worried voice. "Is it Selphie?"

"No it's worse! It's the evil demon cutlery! They're after me. Quick to the raft!"

Half an hour later, once they had sailed far enough for Bell to finally stop screaming about evil demon possessed cutlery, they were on their way to their next destination in their mission to kill-uh _cure _Kairi.

* * *

Yep, just a short chapter this time. I can't help feeling that Sora's intelligence has dropped considerable amounts since the last chapter, maybe it's all the sun from being on that raft for so long…

I just love the fight between Riku and Yuffie! I laugh every time I read that part!

Let us know what you think doves!

XxSxX


End file.
